The bandwagon has left the station



I keep noticing the bandwagons as they have already left the station.
They’re hard to miss when the hot air of hypocrisy fuels them to roar pitch.

The definition for bandwagon is as follows;
*A wagon used for carrying a band in a parade or procession
*A particular activity or cause that has suddenly become fashionable or popular.

I’m of the opinion that when the “I’m right/you’re wrong” flag is boldly paraded there is always potential that just cause/healing and change get lost in theatrics/ego and chaos. True victims get thrown under the bandwagon bus time and time again. The attempt for real change becomes more about the movement of the bandwagon and not what propelled it from the station in the first place. The bandwagon becomes the mob.

The definition of mob is as follows;
*A large crowd of people, especially one that is disorderly and intent on causing trouble or violence.
*Crowd around (someone) in and unruly or excitable way in order to admire or attack them.

The mob bullies its way past logic and fact, the primary purpose being to divide and concur. I don’t much care for the mob mentality and find it quite disturbing but then again isn’t that the goal? Shouldn’t we question when the encouragement to think, listen or debate is replaced with passive/aggressive, group think, and above all hypocritical behaviors.
While I do realize for sure there is strength in numbers, I so appreciate the courage it takes to stand up and be counted as not part of the crowd. I absolutely believe within each bandwagon hurling it’s way to mob rule is the hurtful attempt to exploit another’s pain and that for some the solution is in making sure there ain’t any.





A Breast Cancer Story (so far)

Recently I attended a breast cancer survival meeting. I have been attending meetings for some time now. I am very grateful for and amazed by those who willingly share past and through their own experiences.
It was Jan 2016 when I was diagnosed with Invasive ductal carcinoma on my right breast. I was told the cancer had spread to at least three lymph nodes. I knew prior to any confirmation from biopsy’s that something was up. It was that dimple just to the lower right side of the nipple that pointed (in reverse) to a fact I could not deny. I knew I had cancer and there was just gonna be no way not to hear the words that would soon be coming. I tend to be the queen of denial and when life’s waters get dangerously rough, it’s in that river I have always scrambled to float. But this time there was no way to avert the starkness of a reality to which there was no denial.
Upon diagnosis my daughters and husband had insisted they be with me. I remember being so sorry for them and feeling helpless to take the pain of anxious worry away. The nurse was caring and I felt bad for her too, what a thing to have to tell someone. My family sat stoic in body but their faces betrayed the attempt to hold it together. I focused on those faces as I listened to the words that were spoken, it was surreal and reminded me of a Charlie Brown episode. All I could hear was “waa-waaaaa- waa-waa-waaaaaa——cancer”. It was here that I am fully aware and grateful for the other coping mechanisms God has blessed me with. The denial boat may have left the dock, but this was a time my control issues would come in handy. I was not able to control what was happening but I was determined that all decisions were now mine to be made. In reality I do realize, the only thing I truly control is how I react to not having much.
Before we left the office the nurse had explained the process for me would take a year to complete. From the denial river to boarding the cancer machine and all within 20 minutes.
As we left I asked God to help me and assured my children I was going to begin the process of researching my options. The nurse had explained the next step in the process was to visit a surgeon. My husband and I went and listened to a local surgeon who proceeded to tell me that chemo, surgery and radiation were in my future. I was looking for options instead pretty much told you ain’t got any lady. It is funny how God works because he put exactly the right person in my path for recovery that day. Lord knows that I really do dislike when someone tells me what to do. It was my ticket that was stamped on that stinking cancer train and not this Dr or anyone else was going to make my decisions for me. In other words he pissed me off and I thank God for that.
That Dr referred me next to a nearby oncologist who nicely explained further what kind of cancer I had, she too said chemo, surgery, radiation and a year full of infusions was the suggested coarse of treatment. I told her I could not yet make a decision as to what to do. I explained I had to be fully on board before I could commit. She had told me not to wait too long.
This is where I began asking God specifically to heal my unbelief. I never questioned why I had cancer, I did question why I didn’t have options in regards to treating it. I wanted options and I needed God to help me find them and make any decisions for me. I wanted healing of spirit and strength of faith first and foremost. I needed the peace only God can give.
Mark 9:24
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”
I love this story in the Bible, it became very important to me on this journey and continues to be so. I needed my father to calm my heart and mind in order to heal my spirit. I knew my body may heal but it was my spirit and faith where it was needed most.
I asked God please lead my way and oh how he did.

While the angst of knowing I was sick and that there were decisions that I needed to make weighed heavily, I searched high and low for information. I didn’t just want medical knowledge though thank God for those dedicated to it. In a furious and curious attempt to google all things cancer I also realized there was always going to be somebody willing to make a buck off another’s terror, so to be wary in my research was important. I knew that both the disease and healing were personal. I wanted to be able to read or hear how another chose to deal.

This is when the first of my heroes came into my life. I had not yet decided which way I should turn for healing when a family member introduced me to Janie. She is a tiny little woman who is huge in class. A retired teacher, her patience and logic are I must admit foreign to me. She has been the voice of reason when I have at times been less than reasonable. Much for me to learn from in her sharing of self and I so appreciate her bravery and kindness.

Following a lot more research and speaking with my friend, I decided to get a second opinion. It wasn’t that expected to hear I didn’t have cancer, I just still was not sure what to do. My husband and I drove to a hospital a couple of hours away, while in route we continued to pray. When we walked into the hospital neither of us was too impressed. The building was small and and ornate in no way. I thought to myself oh crap I still don’t feel so good about this. But as we walked from floor to floor in search of where to be, I was overwhelmed by the look in the eyes of others who were obviously navigating there own cancer journeys. I saw smiles that held the peace that only hope can bring (at least that’s how I saw it).
I told my kids later it was like being in a really good restaurant and a bunch of hungry people knew the best place in town to eat. There were three doctors who met with us that day, a surgeon, a radiation and a medical oncologist. After, the initial exam and first consult with each it was suggested we meet again after lunch and after they could discuss what options I may have. As my husband and I left the cafeteria, I asked if we could go to the sanctuary. I still could not make a decision and prayed for God to please make it for me. We made our way back to the exam room and once again it was a surgeon that delivered the words God meant for me to hear. God took it out of my hands and decided my fate within my heart. The decision had been made and I was gratefully on board. The peace I felt was truly a miracle.
It was decided I go through a clinical trial, which included four rounds of infusions, pet scans, cat scan, more biopsy’s a lumpectomy, five lymph nodes removed, radiation and a full year of Herceptin.
It was while at radiation that I met Frances. We would see each other for five minutes at a time while waiting our turn on the table. She is physically very pretty (even bald) but it is her beauty in faith which continues to blow me away. She has never wavered in her love of God. Frances is one of those that God has gifted joy and that is what she gives freely to all of those who so desperately need it. She has been my friend, my family and a mentor in how to give and receive love, no strings attached.
After surgery I met another new friend Joy, she too had her own experience to share. Joy is quiet and thoughtful in her not so silent gestures of kindness. More than one meal has she delivered so I would not have to cook while going through treatment. When I started radiation I’ll never forget her telling me “you are being so brave Pam”. I felt like a little kid who was validated and in the gesture of kindness and word she too applied a love salve to the soul God knew needed much healing.
After radiation is when I started attending the breast cancer support groups. Not because I like talking about cancer (cuz I do not) more because I see the beauty in others reaching past and through their own pain and fears. I admire so much the nurse who puts on the monthly group. It was at a meeting I met my dear friend Cathrene. She is brilliant, talented and one of the most courageous women I have ever, ever met. When she talks there is a kindness of tone, even when most would maybe not be so kind. She is dedicated to helping others and I believe it is because of this she has overcome much adversity of her own.
I will continue I hope to attend more groups not because I want to be a survivor (i don’t really like that word) I want to be a live-er of life and appreciate so much the others who have their own breast cancer story to tell. I continue to live and learn from those who are doing the same. My goal is not to just survive but to live and heal in spirit first with my faith deepened, which has been my prayer in mid-fall and will continue to be.E7790C22-2CB0-4D2C-80FA-08093E0819C2

Guilt into Love in Action

horizonHebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Selfish is guilt, when used in the noun
Silently stagnate until in verb form
No movement or action, no motivation beyond
The dark place of shame for some is the norm

Or maybe in self, where justification is rule
We reach out for reason in hopes to deny
Where our failures we choose to fiercely defend
No need to look out from the souls inner eye

Thank God for the peace where repentance is gift
Where guilt moves into action and forgiveness is key
The evolvement of life pushes noun into verb
Life into change, guilt to compassion in Him meant to be

One step forward, two steps back, Prayers in faith, may we never lack

Ephesians 6:13
“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand”.

One step forward and two steps back
Prayers in faith, may we not ever lack
The path not straight by human eye
But you see past our self-bent cry

Stepping into you, robed in love
Wearing you, in prayer to rise above
When all the world begs us to fall
The beckoning of your love does call

Wrapped in Christ, armored in glory
His perfect walk, the truth in story
Stepping beyond the world at large
In you alone we give full charge

We pray we find in you, our way
When lost mid-step and in dismay
One step forward and two steps back
Prayers in faith, may we not ever lack

Beyond the Heart Undone

Mathew 29:34
Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to God and the Father of Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

In action all our deed should be
It say’s the most of Him in me
Gesture in the simplest form
Listening from a heart that’s torn

His light shines bright from the darkest place
Where we often are tempted to hide our face
He never does not light our way
If in our hearts we ask Him to stay

Help me Father to remain silently true
Your loves speaks beyond those who knew
Never will you abandon a one
Who asks you into the heart undone

Abortion, such an ugly word


Abortion, such an ugly word, so ugly we don’t talk about it with each other.  We rather choose to beat each other up with it.  It’s ugly for a reason

Abortion, it’s all in how you look at it and I pray we do just that
Abortion, an act of violence chosen in response to terror

Compassion, the pride of righteousness is replaced with the solution of life and the offering of support beyond the termination of the problem. Eventually the shoe always does drop and with choice comes consequence
Compassion, Gods gift to respond to another not merely react to their pain

Hypocrisy, when we shout down each other for shouting down each other
Hypocrisy, when the bullied becomes the bully
Hypocrisy, when we profess to be the champion for the less fortunate yet choose the more convenient way, in the attempt to silent the silent
Hypocrisy, who can scream the loudest while victimizing the victim wins the argument

I pray we look beyond the right to choose
And research why and what we have to loose
I think we get so caught up in the act of fight
That we know not what is the true plight
Sometimes we’re quick to judge another
Flaunt our righteousness in protection of sister/brother
Arguments screamed in high volume
In the hopes that doing so, the agenda you must consume
The fight to right the injustice to all?
Loses it’s merit when discussion is not brought out to call


Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus told His disciples, if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I do not see, because i choose to see not
With eyes wide shut, the soul to rot
My God, my God I cry to thee
As He continues to reach beyond the me
In the attempt for self, I’m brought to my knees
Where, from the broken and battered
His compassion, our heart best sees
In Him I praise His full embrace
He held me close as I turned my face
Never to leave me in the dark
He shines a light that leaves His mark
And now I see, from where compassion grows
It is through His grace that mercy shows
I praise you Father for the gift in sight
And loving me through my own might

The praise of peace
The peace in praise
Inside the heart is Jesus raised
The ransom paid in love the cost
So that my soul may not be lost
I praise the peace in Him alone
Forgiven sins He did atone
In peace He holds me close to thee
In praise I pray to constant bedaylily at home


Pondering Poetic

Mark 9:24
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”

For sometime i have believed
In Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the trinity in one
A leap of faith, the spirit led
Where the search had been so long
Never did I question Him from the time i first believed
But oh how i did question self, knowing full well the heart deceived

In that, is where God loves us past the doubts within ourselves
And into his amazing grace where He heals us into soul
Where tears of life in grief and joy, we move beyond the cries of fear
He loves us as we gasp for air in the panic of life’s mid-fall
Praise God, for the breath of faith He offers us each all

Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”

Where have all the unborn gone
Long time passing
Where have all the unborn gone
All those many souls

Does the soul come with our first breath
Upon the beating of our hearts
Or does it come in His breath
From where each soul finds start

Conception to creation of soul
That is meant to be
This I believe comes before
What we are meant to see

I believe within that heart that beats
Has already a soul been formed
And not one to terminate but rather celebrate
The miracle has been performed

Left dazed, confused and sad from Women’s March

Last night I sat and watched some of the media coverage from the Women’s March. Ashley Judd recited in full theatric, a poem she had received from another woman. As I observed her face contort and voice reflect added disdain and hate in word spoken, it was heartbraking and frightening. I felt sorry for her and the woman who wrote it. Their pain, fear and rage I do believe to be real and the reading left me not only saddened but a little dazed and confused. While I have empathy for the pain and frustration, it was almost lost in the confusion and appearance of little to no compassion  in message. It is sad to me that in times of fear, women too will allow themselves to be used to the detriment of the very issues we hold dear. I felt as if I had witnessed an assault and the assaultee had become the assaulter, the hypocricy of the bullied acting so much the bully, was not lost.

As a woman, who believes in the power of women, I pray we do not start to become the ugly we accuse others of. Please let’s not turn our backs on one another and attack. I think change happens because of the empathy God gives us for one another. Empathy is not an empty gesture, exclusivity or hard hitting words, meant to hurt/shock and exploit another’s pain. It is an act of love and not one done by espousing vitriol for or towards another.
I pray that we start talking about issues, rather than talking at, degrading, judging and cursing in our self-righteous behavior.
I see women on both sides of the abortion issue shaming each other. It is beyond sad to me that if I am pro/life some feel the need to shame me for my belief. I came to that belief for reasons I would love to discuss.
At the same time I absolutely do not want to shame another for being pro/choice and I would love to know why you feel that way, not just that you do and that is because you see I do believe there is an unprotected being involved. I was raised to believe that is what women do, they protect those who can not protect themselves. I also think many of those at the march are there because they too want to stand up where others may not to. I am just wanting to know why are the unborn not included?
I do not want to believe women are against each other I want and pray that we use our hearts as well as our minds to share thoughts and most importantly testimony.
I know there is a reason we believe differently and I hope we will start listening to each other.
For me it is hard to listen though, when blame and shame is being used as a weapon, from either side, that is WRONG and will not provide solution but more pain, sparation and destruction.
In regards to abortion, I know firsthand the panic and terror that a woman feels when faced with an unwanted pregnancy. I have experienced the guilt and shame that can come with abortion. For myself, when I accepted the love of Christ I also accepted the guilt I felt over the ending of life. For me acknowledging the remorse and guilt became a motivating factor towards a God of Love, Forgiveness and Life. I believe God sheds light on the dark place where we each can experience shame.  Shame is  debilitating and when used as a weapon (whether that be self/inflicted or projected) it keeps us stuck, divided and alone in the dark. There is no answer in shaming each other on either side of this issue. We can not find a solution, when we continually wield blame and shame as our weapons of choice.

My belief is that life begins at conception and I know that a heartbeat can be detected at six weeks. I don’t simply believe this because I want to, in fact I am pretty unpopular in my belief. But I have lived it and researched the “facts”. This is where  I will readily admit that one thing about the facts, is that we each tend use “facts” from sources that back our belief/agenda, it is for that reason I believe we are to unite in discussion in hopes to share past our own agendas and truly protect life and those facing such pain in it.

Living Life in Color

This gallery contains 3 photos.