My RIGHT To Know LIFE

Life’s lines get blurred when objective is lost
Many say my rights are of the utmost concern
Why then not counsel before such great cost
Not a decision made lightly, the truth to discern

Offer me solution, without destroying another
Tell me the truth as to what to expect
When offered the choice to abort me as mother
The expulsion of life, to relieve my regret

My anguish and panic are not for abuse
Not to be caught in agenda, while fact not disclosed
The remnant of child kept silent, as part of the ruse
Compassion means more, when life’s not opposed

If truly my rights are of the utmost concern
Truth be told please, in full disclosure
When does the rhythm of heartbeat on, turn
Life’s lines less blurred when in light of exposure

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Beyond the Heart Undone

Mathew 29:34
Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to God and the Father of Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

In action all our deed should be
It say’s the most of Him in me
Gesture in the simplest form
Listening from a heart that’s torn

His light shines bright from the darkest place
Where we often are tempted to hide our face
He never does not light our way
If in our hearts we ask Him to stay

Help me Father to remain silently true
Your loves speaks beyond those who knew
Never will you abandon a one
Who asks you into the heart undone

Psalm 139:13-14

I share my story in hopes another woman will not have to share hers
I share my story because in my youth I chose to end a life.

As a teenager in the 70’s I was kind of a wild child. Actually I was a wild non-conforming geek, with little to no self esteem. At sixteen I wanted no one to tell me what to do. At the same time, if you offered to love me/like me I would do whatever you asked. If you loved me enough, maybe I could love me too.

Just after turning 16 I met a boy who told me he liked me. I just knew he would love me if I gave him whatever he wanted. So, an emotionally immature child had sex to force someone to love her and with that decision came a lifetime of regret.
With that decision I forced myself to make a choice no mother should ever make.
With that decision I chose to abort/terminate/kill my child. With that decision, I have carried 43yrs of painful remorse.

Back in the 1970’s Roe vs Wade had just come to be and I wish to God it had not. I believe because abortion was so newly legalized “those is charge” were “loose cannons” and not prepared to counsel but rather (and I lived it and saw it) to bring the the lambs to slaughter.

When I had told my boyfriend I was pregnant, he wanted to know who the father was? He also dumped me so hard my dad threatened to physically put the hurt on him. My poor parents, mom told me she would support me whatever I decided. My dad felt different. He wanted me to go back to normal (poor dad he didn’t seem to get it, that normal was not an option). He thought, now that abortion was legal, we could terminate the problem and get on with life. I was so immature and had no idea the choice I made would forever change me. I couldn’t see that there were those waiting to assist me in the choice to murder my child.

At just about 12 weeks my mother took me to a local Dr. The Dr. for whatever reason told me I was far enough along that I would have to wait until I was seventeen weeks. I was so stupid and to this day I do not understand what the heck happened. I was a kid who didn’t know anything of sex except, I thought it could get you love. I had no idea as to what this Dr. was talking about.

Now I will interject here, that before the final decision to abort was made I had one teacher who was kind enough to tell me, there were places for girls like me to go and have their babies. As a selfish teenager I could only think of myself not wanting to give up my unstable teenage life, I chose what I thought was the easy way out.
I went in at 17 weeks (my sister had said I was farther along than that, apparently I have still chosen to not be able to remember) pregnant to have a late term abortion. I remember a fifteen year old girl in the room also that day. The Dr. inserted a needle into our abdomens I have always thought he injected our children with saline? All I remember is both of us went through labor and that the Dr. laid my dead son on my tummy. It was all very matter of fact to him, it seemed.

Back to why I have chosen to share this story. I carried the shame of this horror for many years before I discussed it with anyone other than my sister.  I never wanted to exploit my dead son and I thought if I never spoke of it, I was somehow protecting him. The reality is I did not protect him but I have the chance to protect other children and women.
Six  years ago I attended a Christian led group full of many other women who also had lived the horror that comes with the choice to abort. It was so painful to admit to and relive the choices we all made. As I sat in the group I just couldn’t get over how many other women were suffering and missing the children we chose not to have.
Again I must interject, I have always been a person who does not want anybody telling me what to do. I was such a liberal, once upon a time. So I understand fully why people want to make their own choices. But I also understand that with choice must come honesty. If you choose to abort, you choose to murder and with that comes a pain you will live with the rest of your life.
If the heartbeat of a fetus is detectable at 6 weeks and I believe brain waves are as well, it is in my opinion murder if you choose to end that life?   As one who did make that choice I will tell you, you may eliminate a child’s physical presence, you will most likely also feel the sense of relief in thinking your burden has been lifted.  The reality is however that many feel that child’s presence in pain the rest of their lives.  The relief is replaced by shock, numbness, guilt, loss and shame.  It is odd how in life we can miss something so much that we chose not to have.

My prayer is that we choose to educate and no longer terminate. As our children struggle with the many issues that come with adolescence, educate them as to the realities that come with the choices they make.
My prayer is that we cultivate a revival of respect. I believe as we encourage our young to respect others, they in turn develop self-respect which is needed to make responsible choices in life.
My prayer is that we adults celebrate the moral responsibility that we are obliged to carry.

Again I share my story, not to judge you but to save another women from the aftermath of pain that comes with abortion.
I share my story for the countless unborn children and I pray someday the holocaust we continue to inflict ends.

God  ALWAYS manages to take the dark and ugly and brings it into the light of His beauty.

imageimageimage
Before and after, the middle pic is the completion of two more “one of a kind” pieces of transformed “junk”.
The dresser has fabric wallpaper on top and on two drawers. Because I learn as I go (much like life) I sometimes have to learn the hard way (again much like life). In regards to the dresser this was most certainly the case. In the future I will apply texture on the front of a piece, no longer on top. Also when applying the paper I tried spray adhesive and it was very difficult, messy and did not stick as well as hoped for. However good old Mod Podge went on with ease and stuck like glue (hee-hee, that was a funny!!!!!)
The beautiful (some may say ugly) lamp was at total labor of love on my part.
When I stumbled upon the two two beat up, paint-stained, tarnished relics of the past at a local yard sale I could feel my eyes widen, palms sweat and my heart skip a beat. I may have even drooled just a little.
I’m fully aware this is not an attractive sight, but sometimes it actually works to my advantage. People usually are pretty quick to want to make a deal and get rid of the crazy lady with the with overactive “junkyard” salvation glands.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BROTHER

Been thinking about you all day long.  I’ve been living it and feeling it for days.  I’m trying very hard not to run from, but rather into the missing you part of grief, with the same honor that was you.

Happy Birthday Little Brother

 

December 24th 1960, Michael Eugene Walker came to be.  You were a quiet little kid, may have something to do with the fact that you had two kind of strong older sisters who were hell bent on protecting you at all costs.

As your sister Janet pointed out to me a short time ago, you needed no protection and in reality you were the protector.

 

Happy Birthday Little Brother

 

I’m not totally sure I agree with Janet.  As a kid you were just too sweet and just a kid, who like everybody else was surrounded in one heck of a loving and dysfunctional family.

But I most certainly do agree that in life you did grow into the head of our family and you did as time progressed become the protector of each and everyone of us you loved.

When our father died you stepped up in the midst of craziness to honor your father and your siblings when insanity was attempting to rule. 

 

Happy Birthday Little Brother

 

I watched you grow into the man our father expected you to be.  Trust me when I say you did not disappoint but rather exceeded those expectations.  Your mother loved you dearly Mike and I hope that you now feel that love with no crap or strings attached.  I think in heaven it’s all bliss and nothing amiss, I praise sweet Jesus for that.

You were the best of brothers to your parent’s children and Pam, Janet and Danny too will forever be grateful for the gift of you.

 

Happy Birthday Little Brother

 

You fought so courageously this last two and a half years.  But again you were the strong one in your fight, your life and in your death.  With incredible willpower and kindness you managed to touch others through your grace and dignity.  I will never, ever forget my brother and those who loved him so. 

 

Happy Birthday Little Brother

 

Because of you little brother, no day without gratitude, no day wasted in blame, no excuses only the attempt to live in the grace that shined within you to the end.  I love you little brother!!!!!!

 

 

Happy Birthday Little Brother,

When God Met Mike On Biscuit Rock

I will preface this by saying, this is not my story but my brother Mike’s.

My brother is an almost 53 yr old man, who has the demeanor of and carries himself with a quiet but powerful strength. My brother has the adventurous spirit of a wanderer. To me he has always been not so much searching but rather participating in the wonder of that wander.

My brother is much loved by many a friend, his brother, sister’s, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, brother’s in laws, aunt’s, uncles, cousins and most certainly by his adoring wife Darlene.
The love of his life and for a very long time his saving grace has been Darlene. Darlene I believe, is now and will remain always Mikes soul mate. I have never in all my life seen anyone love another, as Mike loves his spouse.

It was for Mike and Darlene, that the story began on Biscuit Rock some 19 yrs ago. They were young, in love and both crazy for the out of doors, so a camping they decided to go. With a small tent, 2 sleeping bags and a cooler they were off to delight in all that nature had to offer. As Darlene tells it they went up a highway that took them to the beautiful Uncompahgre Canyon, Colorado. They kept driving until just around the bend Biscuit Rock (because it looks like a biscuit, go figure) came into view.
They had to cross a bridge which led them to Biscuit Rock. (As I’m writing I’m reminded of how many more bridges there would be to cross in their lives and how much that Rock symbolized for my brother a love never shaken and forever constant.)
The two worked together but struggled to get the small tent upright. After much effort they just threw in the sleeping bags and called it a wrap. Sometime through the night the rain began to fall and it didn’t take much to collapse the tent on top of the two lovebirds. So as the rain fell, so did they down the incline of the hill adjacent to Biscuit Rock. All the while they remained wrapped up snug in the middle of their collapsed tent. They were wet but together and managed to sleep well through the night. All these many years later those two have kept that story close to heart. Sometimes a memory can be the best of medicine.

Now we jump ahead 19 plus years. Mike and Darlene have been married for sometime and their bond has grown stronger throughout the years.

At this point in the story, is when I reference back to crossing the bridge on the way to the Rock. It was over two years ago that Mike and Darlene had a huge bridge to cross in the form of Mikes colon cancer diagnosis. He has remained strong and fought valiantly to cross that bridge with dignity, hope and a fierce tenacity.
Upon Mikes diagnosis he did share with Darlene that when his time came it was back there on the Rock he desired to be.
So not too very long ago he and Darlene decided it was time to go back. Mike needed to go back.

Darlene’s entire family lives there in Colorado but as with most families life and circumstance can take a huge toll. The family had not spent much time together as a unit and like most of us, each had their own cross to bare.

Now with all that said Mike and Darlene didn’t impose on any. They were not in the mind to solicit a family gathering of any kind. They were both just happy to be together and heading to a place where my brother knew he needed to be. Thank God Darlene’s nephew Paul had something else in mind altogether. Paul had rented a twelve person van to transport all on the search for the Rock. Eleven family members and one dog came together on this trip to be blessed on Biscuit Rock. Keep in mind it had been many, many years since this family had all been together in one place at the same time.

The family drove for a very long time in the attempt to locate Mikes beloved Rock. Neither Mike or Darlene were sure of the location but they both knew they would recognize it and so, they eventually did. When the van parked and all passengers disembarked they each started off in their own direction.
Grandson’s Jacob and Brayden went to hike Biscuit Rock. Nephew Paul was off to photograph all the splendor. Brandon, another nephew and his girlfriend were just off to walk. Darlene’s son Dwayne was busy keeping a vigilant eye on his boys. Brandon’s dad Joel and Darlene’s sister Bobby hung out at the van with Mike and Darlene until Mike said he needed to go off on his own. He wanted to be alone with God. My brother was with God that day and my quiet, reserved, ever so strong brother was moved to tears and exhausted upon his return to the van.

It was then, as Darlene tells it that she and Mike knew God’s spirit of grace was at hand that day. Each and every family member was guided by a gentle spirit to join my brother and share their own memories, tears, healing and love. What a gift for my brother to hear how he had influenced their lives, what a gift for them as well.
Grandson Brayden had a piece of the rock as a gift and so Mike would always have it with him.

For Mike and Darlene both, they have never felt such a presence of spirituality and love as in that day. The feeling remained throughout their trip and into a visit with Darlene’s sister Gretchen, who due to her own health issues had not been able to attend. God’s blessing continued as Darlene was also able to spend time with her best friend Marilyn.

Darlene says the trek home from Colorado to Arizona was an arduous one. She said they came upon severe weather in the form of deep snow, rain, ice and fog. There were times when they were out on a deserted two lane highway in 2 feet of snow and she just kept driving with the song “Jesus take the wheel” playing in her head.

After my brother returned from his trip, he called me and asked me to please help translate his blessing into words. My brother wanted to share his story as the love he experienced was shared with him that day when God met him on Biscuit Rock.

Served Raw, Organic and Loved!!!!!!

ImageI’m writing this (organic style), raw and that ain’t always pretty but it in raw is honesty

My writing this evening is in regards to love. God’s great gift to us, I feel is love (grace, hope, prayer)

At the same time love is SCARY. I for one have had a passive aggressive relationship with love my whole life.

As a child I loved with all my heart my parents, grandparents and siblings. They were my first loves and I adored each

and every one of them. In my mind and heart my grandparents never let me down. My siblings, I let down but they did not me.

My parents I loved so much, that they had no chance in reality to measure up to what i wanted them to be.

Freakin expectations they get me in trouble every single time.

As I’ve aged, it is those expectations I so strongly try to avoid. I have come to the conclusion that expectations are the total contradiction to both the giving and receiving of love.

For me I totally and absolutely believe there are those of us who are love crippled. At the same time I believe those of us who now know, believe and feel the love of Jesus have a total responsiblity to ensure. that all those other crippled souls realize it’s all temporary and that the reality is “love is ongoing through our love of and from God’s Son.

We each have our story to tell. I’ve lived long and hard enough to share, I have not all the answers but i do know it is only through Jesus, for me that now love is no longer so much the passive aggressive thing.  Through Jesus, have the gratitude for a love like none I have but grown into.

Praise God for that!!!!!

It’s True, You Are What You Eat

ethansturkey

It’s true you are what you eat and I’ll totally own the fact that I am one big ole turkey, but a grateful one!!!!
So I thought I would take a minute and jot down just a partial gratitude list.
Here goes;

1. Numero uno on my gratitude list is the NUMERO UNO in my life, Jesus.
After many, many, many, did I say many years of doing it my way and thinking I was alone, I now know I haven’t been alone not one day in my life. My God, that is first and foremost on my gratitude list has had this crippled child’s heart and soul close at hand always.

2. So grateful for the wonderful children, husband, grandchildren and all the rest of the family that my father has blessed me with. They’re so crazy and own it like I would most certainly expect them to do. I adore each and every one of this bunch and ask myself many times why father has blessed me with so much love, when it took me so long to learn how to. Again that would be a for sure gratitude winner.

3. I’m grateful for even as a small child knowing there is much power through prayer. What an immense love God has for us, that he allows us hope through the grace of prayer. Thank You!!!!!

4. Gotta get just wee bit silly here and say how very grateful I am, that Father didn’t make me a “Fox”, cuz I’m telling you now he’s always known I would be the least humble attractive person on planet earth. I would probably go big hair, big lip, big boobs, BIG HEAD on you all and not even I would be able to stand me.

5. Needless to say I’m grateful for our home and the need to keep it home for those many blessings of family, friends and loved ones.

This Thanksgiving in our home I will force my children, spouse, grandchildren and any other soul who enters the door to endure at least a years worth of home movies. I live to hear the whining that comes along with me breakin out my beloved video camera. There will be good eats, games (maybe a little trash talk), dancing in a conga line and most importantly love.
I’m gonna keep on owning my turkey status and gobble up every bit of laughter, warmth of heart, joy and love I can get.

What are you grateful for today?

“Kickin It Up” In The Family Dynamic

This gallery contains 1 photo.

Just like in life, each of us in the family dynamic has a cross we bare. It doesn’t matter if you’ve one sibling or ten; those who know you best are your biggest fans and sometime harshest critics. You don’t … Continue reading

Bitch Slapped Into Reality II

photosunsetjanet
Because I’m now a card carrying, senior discount taking, don’t mess with an old lady, member of the AARP. I reserve the right to re-tweek just a little, a previous post in which I allowed myself to poke a little fun at all us oldie’s but still goodie’s.

So, suck up the neck, pull on the depends and try not to pee yourself if you do get your giggle on, cuz here goes nothin;

As a still vibrant on the inside, used to be cute on the outside, 57yr old woman I just gotta say growing older aint for no stinkin sissy’s to be sure.

For me every birthday has been a celebration of life.
I love that I get the opportunity to age, learn and hopefully mature (debateable in my case). I am grateful to be older (again debatable as to any wiser.)

After all I have soooo many more life experiences I get to share (whether they like it or not) with my family and friends. So many more memories made together with those I love (and in some cases love to terrorize).
So, why in the heck does this neck of mine betray me at the supposed to be precious “kodak” moments.

Why am I developing and oversensitive fear that I may actually have to acknowledge someone, with the now tsunami porportioned “wave” capability of my lower arm?

Geez, I want to be able to gesture a big hidy-ho to all the other gray haired beauties, while we’re hitting senior Tuesday at the Goodwill.
But at the same time I avoid at all costs raising the arm that when in “wave” motion has the potential to “bitch slap” us all right back into our senior reality, like it or not!!!!

All kidding aside, I really do dig the fact that I’m still here. I love most of the journey (as long as they have a bathroom along the way). I’m still too cool for school and determined to live, love and learn (but not wave).