All about You – Unless YOU Don’t Get To Be

 

I enjoyed watching the Super Bowl, last night.  The game was fantastic, I missed half time but heard it was wonderful.

The commercials however were not so good.  I noticed quite a few business’s that were overly obvious in their willingness to pick  the pockets of their target audience and all while “feeling good” about it.  Buy our product and maybe you too will feel good, be good and do good.  One in particular commercial got my attention, it was for a phone carrier.  In the T-Mobile commercial we see adorable infants in all color and gender (I’m assuming that second part) while through pleasant tone an actress narrates their welcome to the world.  She tells them they are unstoppable and her voice strengthens as she professes the strength they too will be allowed.  As the video came to an end and the camera moved beyond one last adorable face I saw the void before the  “change starts now” emblem came to screen.  It seemed to me they missed something.  I saw the loss  of potential through the lost child, the child who doesn’t get to consume all the world has to offer.

I have in my lifetime visited more than one abortion clinic.  It was not something I choose to forget and I wrote this poem long ago from my own perspective as a terrified, then young woman.  I believe in life and not just so another can profit by it.

Life’s lines get blurred when objective is lost
Many say my rights are of the utmost concern
Why then not counsel before such great cost
Not a decision made lightly, the truth to discern

Offer me solution, without destroying another
Tell me the truth as to what to expect
When offered the choice to abort me as mother
The expulsion of life, to relieve my regret

My anguish and panic are not for abuse
Not to be caught in agenda, while fact not disclosed
The remnant of child kept silent, as part of the ruse
Compassion means more, when life’s not opposed

If truly my rights are of the utmost concern
Truth be told please, in full disclosure
When does the rhythm of heartbeat on, turn
Life’s lines less blurred when in light of exposure

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Pandering not in Mute

Agenda screamed in high volume
Pandering not in mute
Life dramatic enough without theatric
Argument masked in contorted face

Message morphed into messenger
Distraction through detraction
Words weaponized, in hopes no need to look beyond
The glass window from where was shot

Rhetoric all wrapped in righteous disdain
Maybe more about self than another
Drowned out the sound of solution.                                                                                     When pandering not in mute

 

ABORTION, SUCH AN UGLY WORD

Abortion, such an ugly word, so ugly we don’t talk about it with each other.                    We rather choose to beat each other up with it.  It’s ugly for a reason!!!!!

Abortion, it’s all in how you look at it and I pray we do just that.
Abortion, an act of violence chosen in response to terror.

Compassion, the pride of righteousness is replaced with the solution of life and the offering of support beyond the termination of the problem.                             Eventually the shoe always does drop and with choice comes consequence.
Compassion, God’s gift to respond to another, not merely react to their pain.

Hypocrisy, when we shout down each other for shouting down each other.
Hypocrisy, when the bullied becomes the bully.
Hypocrisy, when we profess to be the champion for the less fortunate,                        yet choose the more convenient way in the attempt to silence the silent.
Hypocrisy, who can scream the loudest, while victimizing the victim wins the argument.

I pray we look beyond the right to choose
And research why and what we have to loose
I think we get so caught up in the act of fight
That we know not what is the true plight
Sometimes we’re quick to judge another
Flaunt our righteousness in protection of sister/brother
Arguments screamed in high volume
In the hopes that doing so, the agenda you must consume
The fight to right the injustice to all?
Loses it’s merit when discussion not brought to call

THE TRUTH NO LONGER MASKED

 

Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

 

Is it God’s armor or our own mask
Which to choose from
As life’s challenges take us each to task

Desperately we grasp to remedy all our pain
While knowing full well
Choose wisely for the mask of self offers only temporary gain

Habitually/masterfully we claw for application of said mask
Which stretched and distorted
No longer offers the possibility to heal what we ask

God in His love has held us throughout
Waiting patiently He endures
As His self bent child reaches beyond a world of tumultuous doubt

In Him we find the shield of peace
Where His armor reigns supreme
The dark of mask that blinded heart, at last begins to cease

The love He offers through His son
When stepped into by faith
Refuge past the sheer endurance, where often we would run

From ripped and torn with fabric in fray
The truth no longer masked
Man made suffering soaked in grief, we no longer choose to stay

Is it God’s armor or our own mask
Which to choose from
As life’s challenges take us each to task

From Where Compassion Grows

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to God and the Father of Jesus Christ, God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.

In action all our deed should be
It say’s the most of Him in me
Gesture in the simplest form
Listening from a heart that’s torn
His light shines past the darkest place
Where often, we tempt to hide our face
He never does not light our way
If in our hearts He’s asked to stay
His mercy for us, who’ve come undone
Without His grace, there is none
Born through Him is empathy
Compassion beyond pain when given freely
In action all our deed should be
It say’s the most of Him in me

Soul Searching

Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”

Where have all the unborn gone
Long time passing
Where have all the unborn gone
All those many souls

Does the soul come with our first breath
Upon the beating of our hearts
Or does it come in His breath
From where each soul finds start

Conception to creation of soul
That is meant to be
This I believe comes before
What we are meant to see

I believe within the heart that beats
Has already a soul been formed
And not one to terminate but rather celebrate
The miracle has been performedcropped-4b9bc877-8786-4b14-aa05-64b0f50cf8cf.jpeg

The bandwagon has left the station

 

 

I keep noticing the bandwagons as they have already left the station.
They’re hard to miss when the hot air of hypocrisy fuels them to roar pitch.

The definition for bandwagon is as follows;
*A wagon used for carrying a band in a parade or procession
*A particular activity or cause that has suddenly become fashionable or popular.

I’m of the opinion that when the “I’m right/you’re wrong” flag is boldly paraded there is always potential that just cause/healing and change get lost in theatrics/ego and chaos. True victims get thrown under the bandwagon bus time and time again. The attempt for real change becomes more about the movement of the bandwagon and not what propelled it from the station in the first place. The bandwagon becomes the mob.

The definition of mob is as follows;
*A large crowd of people, especially one that is disorderly and intent on causing trouble or violence.
*Crowd around (someone) in and unruly or excitable way in order to admire or attack them.

The mob bullies its way past logic and fact, the primary purpose being to divide and concur. I don’t much care for the mob mentality and find it quite disturbing but then again isn’t that the goal? Shouldn’t we question when the encouragement to think, listen or debate is replaced with passive/aggressive, group think, and above all hypocritical behaviors.
While I do realize for sure there is strength in numbers, I so appreciate the courage it takes to stand up and be counted as not part of the crowd. I absolutely believe within each bandwagon hurling it’s way to mob rule is the hurtful attempt to exploit another’s pain and that for some the solution is in making sure there ain’t any.

 

 

 

Fear to FAITH, Survival to LIFE

Matthew 15: 31
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught Peter. Jesus said, “Your faith is small. Why did you doubt”.

It’s been a year and half since breast cancer surgery. I consider my surgery date my other birthday. From the beginning  I wasn’t just leaning into God through my fears, I had jumped in his arms and prayed with great fervor through many, many tears. Forever grateful am I, this child of His.

I was the energizer bunny during the first year of treatment. I kept on going and going and going and thumping my little drum all along the way. I was sooooo grateful, time was a borrowed gift and I had no more to waste.
I was surrounded by beautiful, wise women who each had their own life’s ordeals to find their way through. I knew the support of others was so needed and had decided from the start to take full advantage of everything  available to me. The local cancer network offered many tools to aid through the treatment process, one of which came in the form of a personal trainer through the YWCA. I’m not a joiner by nature but count me in and I loved working out and laughing with the ladies. It was amazing to witness the ability to stretch our human spirit in order to strengthen physically and emotionally.
As said I was going, going, going until all of a sudden the energy was gone, gone, gone. I got a little depressed when the last 6 month check-up came my way. I had a few things on the happ’s besides the annual mammogram and it was taking a toll. I talked to my friend Janie who explained she thinks we operate on adrenaline while in survival mode. I had not thought of that but it sure made sense. I had hit the adrenaline rush wall, was in a funk and stepped back into fear. But this time it was different, I realized I didn’t want to just survive (because sometimes we don’t). There is the real chance cancer does return and there are those who live with ongoing treatment. Both during cancer and then after cancer we are changed, post trauma issues can come as we try our best to survive our survival. We do have the choice in our ability to survive the trauma, LIVE our lives and not doubt His hand is within our reach. Or live in the fear that tears our joy away as it reminds of our mortality. I choose to LIVE in joy, move through the fears and beyond me to Him.
I continue to pray for the best of medicinal treatments in order to eliminate any cancers from the body.
I continue to pray for more options offered and honored in how best to treat cancer.
I continue to pray we are not debilitated by cancer but through miracle motivated to reach out to those who’ve been there, done that and maybe still are.
I continue to pray for healing of faith where doubt is nothing but a memory stepped on to see closer to His face.5536CC72-F8C3-4684-BE39-2BCD88BB767F Continue reading

With Eyes Wide Shut

 

Matthew 16:24
Then Jesus told His disciples, if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I do not see, because i choose to see not
With eyes wide shut, the soul to rot
My God, my God I cry to thee
As He continues to reach beyond the me
In the attempt for self, I’m brought to my knees
It is from the broken and battered
His compassion, our heart best sees
In Him I praise His full embrace
He held me close as I turned my face
Never to leave me in the dark
He shines a light that leaves His mark
And now I see, from where compassion grows
It is through His grace that mercy shows
I praise you Father for the gift in sight
And loving me through my own might

 

 

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A Breast Cancer Story (so far)

Recently I attended a breast cancer survival meeting. I have been attending meetings for some time now. I am very grateful for and amazed by those who willingly share past and through their own experiences.
It was Jan 2016 when I was diagnosed with Invasive ductal carcinoma on my right breast. I was told the cancer had spread to at least three lymph nodes. I knew prior to any confirmation from biopsy’s that something was up. It was that dimple just to the lower right side of the nipple that pointed (in reverse) to a fact I could not deny. I knew I had cancer and there was just gonna be no way not to hear the words that would soon be coming. I tend to be the queen of denial and when life’s waters get dangerously rough, it’s in that river I have always scrambled to float. But this time there was no way to avert the starkness of a reality to which there was no denial.
Upon diagnosis my daughters and husband had insisted they be with me. I remember being so sorry for them and feeling helpless to take the pain of anxious worry away. The nurse was caring and I felt bad for her too, what a thing to have to tell someone. My family sat stoic in body but their faces betrayed the attempt to hold it together. I focused on those faces as I listened to the words that were spoken, it was surreal and reminded me of a Charlie Brown episode. All I could hear was “waa-waaaaa- waa-waa-waaaaaa——cancer”. It was here that I am fully aware and grateful for the other coping mechanisms God has blessed me with. The denial boat may have left the dock, but this was a time my control issues would come in handy. I was not able to control what was happening but I was determined that all decisions were now mine to be made. In reality I do realize, the only thing I truly control is how I react to not having much.
Before we left the office the nurse had explained the process for me would take a year to complete. From the denial river to boarding the cancer machine and all within 20 minutes.
As we left I asked God to help me and assured my children I was going to begin the process of researching my options. The nurse had explained the next step in the process was to visit a surgeon. My husband and I went and listened to a local surgeon who proceeded to tell me that chemo, surgery and radiation were in my future. I was looking for options instead pretty much told you ain’t got any lady. It is funny how God works because he put exactly the right person in my path for recovery that day. Lord knows that I really do dislike when someone tells me what to do. It was my ticket that was stamped on that stinking cancer train and not this Dr or anyone else was going to make my decisions for me. In other words he pissed me off and I thank God for that.
That Dr referred me next to a nearby oncologist who nicely explained further what kind of cancer I had, she too said chemo, surgery, radiation and a year full of infusions was the suggested coarse of treatment. I told her I could not yet make a decision as to what to do. I explained I had to be fully on board before I could commit. She had told me not to wait too long.
This is where I began asking God specifically to heal my unbelief. I never questioned why I had cancer, I did question why I didn’t have options in regards to treating it. I wanted options and I needed God to help me find them and make any decisions for me. I wanted healing of spirit and strength of faith first and foremost. I needed the peace only God can give.
Mark 9:24
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”
I love this story in the Bible, it became very important to me on this journey and continues to be so. I needed my father to calm my heart and mind in order to heal my spirit. I knew my body may heal but it was my spirit and faith where it was needed most.
I asked God please lead my way and oh how he did.

While the angst of knowing I was sick and that there were decisions that I needed to make weighed heavily, I searched high and low for information. I didn’t just want medical knowledge though thank God for those dedicated to it. In a furious and curious attempt to google all things cancer I also realized there was always going to be somebody willing to make a buck off another’s terror, so to be wary in my research was important. I knew that both the disease and healing were personal. I wanted to be able to read or hear how another chose to deal.

This is when the first of my heroes came into my life. I had not yet decided which way I should turn for healing when a family member introduced me to Janie. She is a tiny little woman who is huge in class. A retired teacher, her patience and logic are I must admit foreign to me. She has been the voice of reason when I have at times been less than reasonable. Much for me to learn from in her sharing of self and I so appreciate her bravery and kindness.

Following a lot more research and speaking with my friend, I decided to get a second opinion. It wasn’t that expected to hear I didn’t have cancer, I just still was not sure what to do. My husband and I drove to a hospital a couple of hours away, while in route we continued to pray. When we walked into the hospital neither of us was too impressed. The building was small and and ornate in no way. I thought to myself oh crap I still don’t feel so good about this. But as we walked from floor to floor in search of where to be, I was overwhelmed by the look in the eyes of others who were obviously navigating there own cancer journeys. I saw smiles that held the peace that only hope can bring (at least that’s how I saw it).
I told my kids later it was like being in a really good restaurant and a bunch of hungry people knew the best place in town to eat. There were three doctors who met with us that day, a surgeon, a radiation and a medical oncologist. After, the initial exam and first consult with each it was suggested we meet again after lunch and after they could discuss what options I may have. As my husband and I left the cafeteria, I asked if we could go to the sanctuary. I still could not make a decision and prayed for God to please make it for me. We made our way back to the exam room and once again it was a surgeon that delivered the words God meant for me to hear. God took it out of my hands and decided my fate within my heart. The decision had been made and I was gratefully on board. The peace I felt was truly a miracle.
It was decided I go through a clinical trial, which included four rounds of infusions, pet scans, cat scan, more biopsy’s a lumpectomy, five lymph nodes removed, radiation and a full year of Herceptin.
It was while at radiation that I met Frances. We would see each other for five minutes at a time while waiting our turn on the table. She is physically very pretty (even bald) but it is her beauty in faith which continues to blow me away. She has never wavered in her love of God. Frances is one of those that God has gifted joy and that is what she gives freely to all of those who so desperately need it. She has been my friend, my family and a mentor in how to give and receive love, no strings attached.
After surgery I met another new friend Joy, she too had her own experience to share. Joy is quiet and thoughtful in her not so silent gestures of kindness. More than one meal has she delivered so I would not have to cook while going through treatment. When I started radiation I’ll never forget her telling me “you are being so brave Pam”. I felt like a little kid who was validated and in the gesture of kindness and word she too applied a love salve to the soul God knew needed much healing.
After radiation is when I started attending the breast cancer support groups. Not because I like talking about cancer (cuz I do not) more because I see the beauty in others reaching past and through their own pain and fears. I admire so much the nurse who puts on the monthly group. It was at a meeting I met my dear friend Cathrene. She is brilliant, talented and one of the most courageous women I have ever, ever met. When she talks there is a kindness of tone, even when most would maybe not be so kind. She is dedicated to helping others and I believe it is because of this she has overcome much adversity of her own.
I will continue I hope to attend more groups not because I want to be a survivor (i don’t really like that word) I want to be a live-er of life and appreciate so much the others who have their own breast cancer story to tell. I continue to live and learn from those who are doing the same. My goal is not to just survive but to live and heal in spirit first with my faith deepened, which has been my prayer in mid-fall and will continue to be.E7790C22-2CB0-4D2C-80FA-08093E0819C2